PROLOGUE:

In every generation there is a Chosen One. She alone will stand against the vampires, the demons and the forces of darkness. She is the Slayer.

Sunnydale cemetery at night. The camera is high above and angled down sharply on Buffy sitting on a blanket with her legs covered by another one, and Giles behind a nearby gravestone. He has a book open and reads from it as the camera pans down and pulls in until it is level with him.

Giles:  'And on that tragic day, an era came to its inevitable end.' That's all there is. Are you ready?

Buffy:  Hit me.

Giles:  Which of the following best expresses the theme of the passage? A) Violence breeds violence, B) All things must end, C)...

Buffy looks down at her answer sheet and fills in a bubble with her No. 2 pencil.

Buffy:  'B'. I'm going with 'B'. We haven't had 'B' in forever.

Giles:  (exasperated) This is the SATs, Buffy, not connect-the-dots. Please pay attention. A low score could seriously harm your chances of getting into college.

Buffy:  Gee, thanks. That takes the pressure right off.

Giles:  This isn't meant to be easy, you know. It's a rite of passage.

Buffy:  Well, is it too late to join a tribe where they just pierce something or cut something off?

Giles:  Buffy, please concentrate. (looks back at his book)

She sees a vampire approach behind him.

Buffy:  Roll!

She tosses her notebook and answer sheet off of her lap and scrambles out from under her blanket and to her feet.

Giles:  (looks up) What?

He sees her rushing toward him, instantly realizes that he needs to get out of the way and shoulder rolls onto the ground out of danger. Buffy vaults herself over the gravestone, finishing in a roundoff to the ground, and without a moment's hesitation side kicks the advancing vampire in the stomach. He goes flying backward, landing hard on his back. Buffy rushes him, grabs his legs and pushes them up, forcing him into a back roll away from her. The vampire ends up in a standing position and tries to punch her, but misses her entirely. She tries a punch, but he middle blocks her and takes a swing with his free hand at her face.

She ducks both it and the next punch he throws. She straightens back up and roundhouse kicks him in the side, but he keeps his balance and tries to roundhouse kick her in turn. She ducks it, and his momentum carries him around in a spin. He comes to a stop facing her and tries to punch her in the face, but she grabs onto his arm and blocks his next punch. He brings his free hand up again, but she smashes her forearm down to block it. Seeing an opening, Buffy takes her pencil and stabs him cleanly in the chest. She pulls it back out, and the vampire bursts into ashes. Buffy starts back to her blanket. She looks at the tip of her pencil and sees that it's broken.

Buffy:  Hmm. I broke my No. 2 pencil. We'll have to do this again sometime.

Giles extends his hand to her holding a sharpened No. 2 pencil.

Giles:  C) All systems tend towards chaos.

She flips her broken pencil at him and snatches the new one from his hand. Giles watches her old pencil fly by him and hit the ground next to him. Buffy sits back down cross-legged on her blanket and picks up her notebook and answer sheet.

Buffy:  I just know that us and the undead are the only people in Sunnydale working this late.

She pouts up at Giles and waits for him to start reading again.

Cut to Sunnydale City Hall.

Mayor Wilkins:  I appreciate you coming.

Cut inside to the Mayor's office. He's leaning on the backrest of his chair, smiling. He starts to walk out from behind his desk.

Mayor Wilkins:  I realize it is early... for you... but I think you'll agree that this matter is urgent, (stops next to Trick) also... delicate.

Trick:  I'm a very delicate person.

Mayor Wilkins:  So you feel you can handle this?

Trick:  (inhales) It's a little out of my element, but I can get you what you need. I know a beast who knows a guy.

Mayor Wilkins:  (heads over to a wall cabinet) Are you sure that subcontracting is the way to go here?

Trick:  Well, this guy's worked your town before, and if he lives up to his rep, (smiles) this place'll be in flames.

Mayor Wilkins:  I've made certain deals to get where I am today. This demon requires his tribute. (unlocks the cabinet) You see, that's what separates me from other politicians, Mr. Trick.

He opens the cabinet. The shelves are full of occult paraphernalia: skulls, a fetus preserved in a bottle, various urns and chests, a shrunken head, the bones of a forearm and hand, and various tools of the trade. Trick looks uneasily at all of it from his vantage point by the Mayor's desk.

Mayor Wilkins:  I *keep* my campaign promises.

He reaches in and takes out the shrunken head. He pulls on the tuft of hair at the top, and a small section of the head pulls open and folds back on the leathery skin. The Mayor takes a quick sniff from the hole and closes the flap of skull and skin again.

Mayor Wilkins:  Where'd I put that Scotch? (looks around)

Opening credits roll. Buffy's theme plays.

The quad at Sunnydale High. Buffy, Willow and Oz appear at the top of the outside stairs and start down.

Buffy:  And then I was being chased by an improperly filled-in answer bubble screaming, 'none of the above!'

Willow:  Wow. I hope that wasn't one of your prophecy dreams. (gets a look from Buffy) Probably not.

Oz:  Hey, you know, I took it last year. I could help you get ready. There's this whole trick to antonyms, but... this isn't the place.

Willow:  Oz is the highest-scoring person ever to fail to graduate.

They reach the bottom of the stairs and continue to walk along the colonnade.

Buffy:  Isn't she cute when she's proud?

Oz:  She's always cute.

Cordelia and Xander come out through the breezeway and walk behind them.

Willow:  We could work on it tonight.

Xander:  Work on what tonight?

Cordelia:  Oh, God. Are we killing something again?

Buffy:  Only my carefree spirit.

Oz:  Buffy SAT prep.

Willow:  Oz is helping. (smiling proudly) He's the highest-scoring...

Cordelia:  (interrupts) We know. We did the impressed thing already.

Willow frowns.

Xander:  I hate they make us take that thing. It's totally fascist, and personally, I think it, uh, discriminates against the uninformed.

Cordelia:  Actually, I'm looking forward to it. I do well on standardized tests.

She gets looks from everyone.

Cordelia:  What? I can't have layers?

Cut to the hall doors near the cafeteria. The group enters.

Willow:  So, Buff, study tonight?

Buffy:  Uh, yes on the studying, no on tonight. I'm putting in Mom time. She's been drastic ever since I got back. And Giles is even worse. I'm supervised 24-7.

They turn into the cafeteria.

Buffy:  It's like being in the Real World house, only real.

Willow:  Hmm.

They see a table piled up with boxes of Milkbar fund-raiser chocolate bars. Other students are each taking a box as Snyder checks their names off on his clipboard.

Willow:  Ooh, candy bars! Lots of 'em!

Snyder holds out a box.

Xander:  Principal Snyder, thank you! (takes the box) You weren't visited by the Ghost of Christmas Past, by any chance?

Snyder:  It's band candy.

Buffy:  Let's hear it for the band, huh? Very generous.

Snyder:  You will sell it to raise money for the marching band. They need new uniforms.

Xander:  Yeah. Those tall, fuzzy hats ain't cheap, huh?

Oz:  But they go with everything.

Willow smiles at that.

Buffy:  I'm sure we love the idea of going all Willy Loman, but we're not in the band.

Snyder:  And if I'd handed you a trombone, that would've been a problem, Summers. (holds out a box) It's candy. (she takes it) Sell it.

He walks off leaving them all staring at their boxes.

Cut to the kitchen at Buffy's house. She and her mother are eating Chinese food for dinner at the island.

Joyce:  But you're not in the band.

Buffy:  And yet.

Joyce:  Buffy, what would I do with forty chocolate bars?

Buffy:  You could hand them out at the Gallery. 'Buy something Pre-Columbian, get a free cavity.'

Her mother considers, and decides it can't hurt to at least help.

Joyce:  Twenty.

She hands her daughter back the box.

Buffy:  You're a good mom. (sets down the box)

Joyce:  I'm the best.

Buffy:  (picks up her glass) No, I'm pretty sure the best moms let their daughters drive.

She takes a sip of her water, eyeing her mother hopefully.

Joyce:  And yet.

Buffy:  (sets down her glass) Oh, come on!

Joyce:  (gets up) Look, let's not have this conversation. (goes to the fridge)

Buffy:  But I took the class. I watched the filmstrips with the blood and the death and the corpses. I'm prepped.

Joyce:  (opens the fridge) Honey, (grabs the water jug) you failed the written test. (pours herself more) They wouldn't even let you *take* the road test. (puts the water back)

Buffy:  That was a year ago. And I don't test well... she said, two days before the SATs.

Joyce:  (comes back to her seat) I spend enough time not knowing where you are. (sits) I don't wanna add to that the possibility that you're on the highway to Chicago. (takes a drink)

Buffy:  (dumbfounded) I can't believe you. I'm *not* taking off again. (shrugs) Besides, if I wanted to, I could just get on a bus.

Joyce:  Stop. (inhales) Don't. (exhales and looks at Buffy intensely) I just don't want you driving, okay? I want you here.

Buffy:  (widens her eyes) I'm here. Hmm? (picks up her egg roll) See me here. (takes a bite) Mm-hm?

Joyce nods and turns back to her plate.

Buffy:  (with her mouth full) Mm... I gotta go. (gets up and grabs her box of candy bars)

Joyce:  What, you're going out?

Buffy:  (turns back at the door) Giles. Slay-study double feature. Could be late.

Joyce:  Again? Honey, don't you think Mr. Giles is monopolizing an awful lot of your time?

Buffy:  And does he ever say he's sorry?

Cut to the library. Giles is tying a blindfold tightly around Buffy's head.

Buffy:  Ow!

Giles:  Sorry.

Buffy:  Why do I put up with this?

Giles:  Because it is your destiny... (walks around her) and because I just bought twenty 'cocorific' candy bars. (hands her a large rubber ball)

Buffy:  Okay, you're just doing this to take funny pictures of me.

Giles:  (walks around her) I'm doing it to test your awareness of an opponent's location during a fight in total darkness. Now, wait five seconds and then throw the ball at me.

He silently backtracks and takes several steps away from her toward the cage.

Buffy:  You ran out of new training ideas about a week ago, huh? Okay. Five, four, three, two, one.

She turns around and faces the door to Giles' office. He smiles, thinking she's completely clueless as to where he is. Buffy throws the ball. It hits the wall high above the checkout counter and bounces off.

Giles:  It's not that simple, is it...

The ball bumps him in the side of the head.

Giles:  Ow. Ahem. Yes, well, very good.

Buffy:  (takes off the blindfold) Thanks! (heads out of the library)

Giles:  W-w-w-where are you going? We have to patrol!

Buffy:  (stops and faces him) I can't. Mom's in hyperdrive. She wants me home tonight. I told you. (starts out again)

Giles:  But, I...

Buffy:  (stops by the door) I know, I know. She's out of control. Enjoy the candy! (leaves)

Giles looks at the swinging library door for a moment, considering her odd behavior.

Cut to Angel's mansion. Cut inside. The door to the atrium is open. The camera slowly tracks toward it. Soon a shirtless Angel is in view, practicing the slow, elegant forms of T'ai Chi. He brings his arms down together in front of him and then over to his right. As he brings his left arm up across his abdomen, he crosses his right arm over his left. His motions remains fluid as he slowly moves his left arm out in front of him, palm up, and extends his right arm out to his side. He draws his arms together again, this time crossing his left arm over his right and repeats a mirror image of his last move. Never stopping his motion, he brings both hands to his waist, palms facing forward, and slowly raises his right arm and sweeps it across in front of himself, palm down, while he sweeps his left arm across below his right, palm up. Buffy walks into the doorway and stops just to watch him, amazed at the fluidity and smoothness of his motions. Angel doesn't notice her, and continues the exercises. He has his arms extended, his left hand angled up sharply from his forearm, and his right hand clasping the heel of his left. He brings them around in a broad sweeping motion toward Buffy and then raises them, separates them and spreads them apart with his palms facing away from him. He raises his head as he does so and sees Buffy standing there watching him.

Angel:  Buffy.

She looks down briefly, slightly embarrassed to be caught watching him like that, and then looks up at him again with a little smile on her lips.

Buffy:  I didn't know you could do that.

He gives her the briefest glimpse of a small smile as he tries to straighten himself up from his slightly bent stance.

Angel:  I-I'm feeling better.

He can't maintain his posture, and bends back over, supporting himself with his right hand on his knee. Buffy rushes to his aid.

Buffy:  Angel...

She gets under his left arm and helps him stand up straight.

Buffy:  Let's... get you inside.

They slowly make their way back into the mansion. Cut inside. There is a warm fire going in the fireplace. Buffy picks up a small paper bag as they go past the coffee table in front of it.

Angel:  It's late. How'd you get away?

Buffy:  Aw, it was easy. Started a fire in the prison laundry room. Rode out in the garbage truck.

They stop and let go. Angel faces Buffy, not sure what to make of that.

Angel:  Oh.

He sits on the edge of the couch.

Buffy:  I'm joking. (raises her right hand and waves it) No garbage. Smell me.

She steps closer to him, but stops. Angel just looks up at her. She lowers her arm and sighs. She puts the bag down next to him and steps over to an adjacent couch set at a right angle to his, and sits also, but very stiffly. Angel leans back on his cushions.

Angel:  How is, uh... Scott?

Buffy:  Scott? (smiles weakly and looks down) Oh, um... boyfriend Scott. Uh... (inhales deeply) A-actually, he's not... (looks up at him) He's fine. (exhales and nods)

Angel gives her a little nod. Buffy indicates the bag she left next to him.

Buffy:  Uh, that's for you.

Angel reaches for it.

Buffy:  Uh... I-it's fresh from the butcher.

Angel:  Thanks.

He reaches in and takes out a quart-sized plastic tub of blood. He gives it a brief look, then slips it back into the bag and sets it aside. Buffy looks away shyly, knowing he doesn't want to eat in front of her.

Angel:  You're being careful, right?

Buffy:  (looks up surprised) With Scott?

Angel:  The slaying.

Buffy:  Oh. (smiles and exhales) Uh... Yeah. Of course. (nodding a lot) Full of arefulness.

Angel:  (looks down) I worry about you. (looks at her)

Buffy:  (pauses briefly) I worry about *you*.

He stares down again for a moment, stroking the cushions.

Angel:  I'm getting stronger.

Buffy:  (gives him a little smile) Yeah, pretty soon, you won't even need me.

Angel:  (nods a little) That'll be better.

Buffy:  (unsure how to take that) Yeah.

They continue to sit in silence.

Cut to Buffy's house. She opens the front door and comes in. She swings it closed behind her and sets her books down on the table by the coat rack. She turns around and is startled by her mother standing by the stairs and looking at her unusually calmly while rubbing her fingers over a chocolate bar in her hands.

Buffy:  Hey! (thinks fast) Uh, sorry I'm late. You know Giles. All slay, all the time.

Giles steps into view from the dining room with his arms crossed and a stern look on his face.

Giles:  Hello, Buffy.

Buffy:  (gestures into the living room) Do you guys wanna watch some television? I hear there's a very insightful Nightline on.

Joyce:  Buffy, you lied to us. And you made us into your alibis. That's... playing us against each other, and that's not fair.

Giles:  I called Willow. (Buffy is at a loss) You also lied to her about your whereabouts. We were all concerned.

Joyce unwraps her chocolate bar and holds it out to Giles to take a piece.

Giles:  Oh, thank you. (breaks off a piece)

Buffy:  Look, I'm sorry, but I had to...

She turns around and walks into the living room. Joyce follows her, and Giles also a few paces behind.

Joyce:  Were you at the Bronze? What was happening there that was so important?

Buffy stops, lets out an exasperated sigh and turns to face her mother.

Buffy:  (gestures and shrugs) Bronze things. Things of Bronze.

Joyce chews on a piece of her chocolate bar.

Joyce:  (condescendingly) You're acting really immature, Buffy.

Giles:  (also chewing) I know I'm not your parent, but I am responsible for you. I think your mum's right. (sits on a couch armrest)

Buffy:  Okay, fine. I'm acting like a child. Maybe that's because you're both treating me like a child.

Joyce:  (sounding hurt) Buffy!

Buffy:  You're both scheduling me twenty-four hours a day. Between the two of you, that's forty-eight hours. (Giles takes off his glasses) I just wanna be able to make a few decisions on my own.

Joyce:  The last time you made a decision on your own, you split. (pops another piece of candy)

Buffy:  Yeah, and I took care of myself. I don't need this much active parenting.

Joyce:  (incredulous) You can't really be trying to use this summer as a reason you should be trusted. (eats another piece)

Buffy:  You can't babysit me all the time. I need you to back off a little.

Giles:  (holds up his hand) Uh, alright, come on. Let's, let's not, uh, freak out.

Buffy:  (taken aback) 'Freak out'?

Giles:  Mm-hm. (stands up) Uh, I think you should go to bed. (puts his glasses back on) Um, we're all tired.

Buffy just looks at the two of them as though they're crazy. She faces away for a moment and then walks off to her room. Her mother watches her go, shaking her head.

Joyce:  Oh, she just drives me crazy!

She sighs and crumbles up the end of the candy wrapper and drops it onto the coffee table. Giles scratches his head and steps back over to the couch to sit. Joyce goes to join him.

Joyce:  I just want to protect her.

They both sit down. The camera lowers its angle.

Giles:  Don't all parents want that?

He reaches into his jacket pocket to pull out a candy bar of his own. There is an entire box of them on the coffee table next to various picture books. He starts to unwrap his bar.

Joyce:  Yeah, but at least most parents have some idea what to protect their children from.

Giles:  Yeah. And I think we should both be especially careful.

He breaks off a piece, sticks it into his mouth and hands the rest to Joyce.

Joyce:  Mm.

She takes a piece and munches on it. Giles reaches into the box on the table for yet another bar.

Cut to the Milkbar factory, makers of "The Best Chocolate Bar", according to the box. A worker opens the top box of an as yet unsealed case and reaches in for a bar. He pulls back the outer wrapper, looks around to see if anyone is watching, and starts to peel back the foil when suddenly Ethan Rayne comes up behind him and puts his hand on his shoulder.

Ethan:  Trust me. (steps around the worker to face him) You don't want to eat that.

Ethan walks off as the worker quickly puts the bar back into its box before it gets sealed for shipping.

Study hall in the science classroom. A boy throws a wad of paper at another.

Boy:  Think fast.

The target boy almost manages to catch the paper, snags it as it's about to roll from the table and sets it aside. A moment later he takes it again and looks back at the boy who threw it, watching for an opening. The camera closes in on Cordelia and Buffy sitting at the table behind him.

Cordelia:  (sighs) I heard that there was a secret rule that if a teacher's more than ten minutes late, we can all leave.

Buffy:  (looks up from studying) It's Giles' turn to watch study hall. He'll be here. (looks back at her book) He's allergic to late.

Cordelia:  (sighs) He is wound a little tight. I had this philosophy book checked out from the library for, like, a year, and he made me pay the fine, even though it was huge. (Buffy gives her a look) I was sad to return it. (smiles) It was perfect for starting conversations with college boys. (lets out a little laugh) Of course, that was B.X.

Buffy:  B.X.? (gets a nod from Cordelia) Before Xander. Clever.

They both go back to their studying. Willow and Xander are at the table behind them. Xander is busy munching on a chocolate bar. The books in front of him are closed.

Xander:  I like chocolate. (Willow looks at him) There is no bad here.

Willow:  You still have some left? (shrugs) I went to, like, four houses, and they were gone. It's like Trick-or-Treating in reverse. (smiles at him)

Xander:  I know. These things are selling like hot cakes... (they look at each other) which is ironic, 'cause the hot cakes really aren't moving...

The camera descends below the lab table. Their knees are touching. They each dangle a leg from their stools and brush them against each other.

Xander:  And it's, uh, ahem, fun to sell chocolate. Ahem.

Willow rubs her calf along Xander's shin. Cut back above.

Willow:  And we're raising a lot of money for the band.

Xander looks back and forth between Willow and his chocolate bar a few times, then focuses on his candy. Willow plays with her pencil while looking at her book.

Xander:  The band. Yeah. They're great. They march.

Cut below the table. They continue to rub their legs together.

Willow:  Like an army. (cut above) (very distracted) E-e-except with music instead of bullets, and... usually no one dies.

Cut below. They rub their shoes against each other with their legs still crossed. Cut above. Cordelia suddenly turns to face them.

Cordelia:  I can't believe this.

Cut below. Willow and Xander immediately whip their legs apart. Cut above. They both hit opposite legs of the table and make it lurch with a loud thunk and pray that they haven't given themselves away.

Cordelia:  Where is Giles already? I'm bored, and he's not here to give me credit for it.

Buffy looks over at the classroom door, suddenly concerned.

Cut to the halls. Principal Snyder and Ms. Barton are walking toward the classroom. Snyder has a chocolate bar in his hands.

Snyder:  The big pinhead librarian didn't show up, and I don't wanna do it. (points at her with his candy bar) You do it.

Ms. Barton:  Alright, fine. I'll do it.

She turns to go into the room and rolls her eyes.

Snyder:  (to himself) Everybody expects me to do everything around here because I'm the principal. (starts to walk) It's not fair.

Cut into the science room. Ms. Barton comes in and claps her hands a few times to get the students' attention.

Ms. Barton:  Hey! We're all stuck here, okay? So now let's just sit quietly and, (indicates a book on the teacher's desk and smiles) and pretend we're reading something (Buffy is confused) until we're really sure that old Commandant Snyder's gone. Then we're all outta here! (smiles widely)

Xander:  Does anyone else wanna marry Ms. Barton?

Cordelia:  Get in line.

Willow:  I guess Giles isn't coming?

Buffy:  (very concerned) I guess not.

Cut to outside Giles' apartment. Buffy walks up to the door and stops. She peers in through the view port, sees Giles and goes in. Cut inside. Giles is crouched by a cabinet where he keeps his vinyl record collection, looking at an album. Buffy comes in and closes the door behind her. The sound gets Giles' attention, and he looks up.

Giles:  Buffy.

He slips the record into the cabinet. The camera cuts behind him and slowly pans right past his couch where Joyce is sitting.

Buffy:  (walks in) Uh... sorry. I... I was just worried. You were a big not-there in study hall, and after your lecture to me on not ducking out... (confused) and what is my mother doing here?

Giles steps over to Joyce.

Giles:  (with a mouth full of chocolate) We had an opportunity for, um, you might say, a summit meeting. It took priority over study hall. I called in.

Buffy:  (still confused) Oh.

Joyce:  We decided that you made a good point earlier, honey.

She and Giles both nod.

Buffy:  I did. Yeah. (very confused now) Which was...?

Joyce:  A-about us overscheduling you. (looks to Giles for support)

Giles:  Pulling you in two directions, (sits on the coffee table) uh, your home life and your duties as a Slayer.

Buffy:  Oh. That was a good point.

Joyce:  We're working out a coordinated schedule for you.

Giles:  It'll be tight, but, uh, I think we can fit in all your responsibilities. (smiles)

Buffy:  (gives them an uncertain smile) Sounds nice and structured.

Joyce:  We've got more work to do here, honey. Why don't you give us a little more time?

Giles gets up and walks over to the fireplace mantel to stare at a picture. Joyce reaches into her purse, pulls out her car keys and stands up.

Joyce:  Um... Take the car, and, um, Mr. Giles can drive me home. (holds out the keys)

Buffy:  (wide-eyed) What? (smiles and shakes her head) Excuse me, I meant what?!

Joyce:  Keys. Take them.

Buffy:  You don't have to tell *me* twice. Well, actually, you did, but... (snatches the keys) bye! (rushes out)

Joyce:  Bye, honey. Drive careful.

Buffy:  (opens the door) Uh-huh!

She runs out the door without looking back, pulling it closed behind her. Joyce turns to face Giles.

Joyce:  Do you think she noticed anything?

He turns to face her. A cigarette dangles from his lips. He lights his lighter.

Giles:  No way!

He holds the flame to his cigarette. Joyce smiles and reaches down for a bottle that she had squirreled away under the end table. She twists off the cap. Giles closes his lighter and takes a drag. He takes the cigarette out of his mouth and takes a deep breath.

Cut to a residential street later that night. Buffy and Willow are driving along in Joyce's Jeep.

Willow:  Tell me again how it happened.

Buffy:  Told my mom I wanted to be treated more like a grownup, and voila: (smiles) driviness.

She takes a corner without slowing down, and skids around it. That shakes up Willow, and she begins to breathe nervously.

Buffy:  Also, I think she wanted me otherwhere. Considering my mom and Giles are planning my future, I think it's easier for them to live my life if I'm not actually there.

Willow: (notices the parking brake) Do you know that you have the parking brake on?

Buffy:  Uh-huh.

She releases the parking brake. The engine suddenly begins to rev much higher, and they accelerate.

Willow:  (nervously) Are, are you sure about the Bronze? I mean, the SATs are tomorrow.

Buffy:  I can study at the Bronze. (smiles) A little dancing, a little cross-multiplying. (smiles wickedly) You know what we need?

She reaches over, turns on the radio and begins to turn the station dial. In the process she bends over too low to see over the dashboard.

Willow:  Eyes on the road! Eyes on the road!

While changing stations, Buffy doesn't realize that she is pulling on the steering wheel, and the car makes a wide left turn, but fortunately onto another road, and so doesn't hit anything.

Cut to Giles apartment. He's lying on his back on the floor, coat and tie gone, shirt unbuttoned to reveal his undershirt, getting ready to light a pair of cigarettes as he grooves to the sound of Cream singing "Tales of Brave Ulysses" on vinyl playing on his record player. Joyce is sitting cross-legged in front of his record cabinet looking through his albums as she grooves also.

Joyce:  You got good albums.

Giles:  Yeah, they're okay. (lights the cigarettes)

Lyrics:  And the colors of the sea bind your eyes with trembling mermaids

Joyce:  Do you like Seals and Croft?

Giles turns his head to give her a look.

Lyrics:  And you touch the distant beaches with tales of brave Ulysses

Joyce:  Yeah, me neither.

Giles hands her one of the smokes.

Lyrics:  How his naked ears were tortured by the sirens sweetly singing

Joyce:  Thanks. (takes a drag)

Lyrics:  For the sparkling waves are calling you

Joyce:  So how come they, uh, call you Ripper?

Lyrics:  To kiss their white-laced lips

Giles:  (sits up) Wouldn't you like to know.

The song goes into a guitar riff between verses.

Giles:  Hmm, wait a minute. Listen to this bit.

He gets into it, smiling, bobbing his head and waving his cigarette to the beat. Behind him Joyce takes another drag.

Giles:  It rocks!

Lyrics:  And you see a girl's brown body

Joyce:  It's good.

Giles gets up and goes to look into the mirror above the record cabinet.

Giles:  Man, I gotta get a band together.

He starts running his fingers through his hair.

Lyrics:  Dancing through the turquoise

Joyce:  (stands up) Hey, Ripper, you wanna watch TV?

Lyrics:  And her footprints make you follow where the sky loves the sea

Joyce:  (leans against the cabinet) I know how to order pay-per-view.

Giles:  (takes off his outer shirt) No, let's go out and have some fun.

Lyrics:  And when your fingers find her, she drowns you in her body

Giles:  Tear things up a bit.

Joyce:  Okay. We could go to the Bronze.

Lyrics:  Carving deep blue ripples in the tissues of your mind

Giles:  Not bloody likely. That place is dead.

Cut to the Bronze. A guy has his head tilted back as the bartender pours orange juice and vodka directly into his mouth. His friends surround him and goad him on. There are unusual numbers of older people there. Dingoes Ate My Baby (Four Star Mary) is on the stage performing "Violent". The dance floor is very crowded with people of all ages. Even the older couples are dancing to the beat of the band. On stage Devon dances around to the lead-in. Just before the song begins he leans over to Oz.

Devon:  Hey, they're diggin' us, man!

Cut to Willow and Buffy coming into the Bronze. They look around at the unusual mix of people in the crowd.

Lyrics:  The strangest things / I've always known

Oz sees Willow and smiles.

Lyrics:  It slays me every time

Willow and Buffy give each other very amazed and concerned looks.

Lyrics:  Darkened fields / Have overgrown

Willow and Buffy continue through the crowd.

Buffy:  Let's do the time warp again.

Lyrics:  You want to lay me out?

Willow:  Maybe there's a reunion in town or, or a Billy Joel tour or something.

Lyrics:  Tie me down? / Tie me

Ms. Barton walks past the two girls.

Buffy:  Ms. Barton?

Ms. Barton:  (stops and faces her) Buffy? Whoa!

Lyrics:  Our love

Willow:  Are you okay, Ms. Barton?

Lyrics:  Covered in my blood

Ms. Barton:  (smiles widely) Oh, I'm cool, Willow. (realizes) Willow... That's a tree. (giggles) You're a tree!

Willow and Buffy exchange a look.

Lyrics:  Is so violent

Ms. Barton:  (looks around) Yeah, uh, uh, are there any nachos in here, little tree?

Lyrics:  Our love

Buffy:  A-are you sure you don't need some fresh air, Ms. Barton?

Ms. Barton:  (laughs hysterically) Okay... (goes into the crowd)

Lyrics:  Covered in my blood

Willow:  Hey, this is not normal.

Buffy gives her a look.

Lyrics:  Is so violent

Willow:  Uh, w-well, maybe that goes without saying.

Snyder spots them from behind and comes up between them.

Snyder:  (smiling hugely) Hey, gang! (puts his arms around the girls' shoulders) This place is Fun City, huh? (laughs)

Buffy:  Principal Snyder?

Lyrics:  Shake this scene / another one

Snyder:  Call me Snyder. Just a last name, like... (trying to be cool) Barbarino.

He lets go of the girls and pumps his arms and fists around wildly. Willow leans slightly away from him.

Snyder:  Ooh! I'm so stoked!

Willow has no idea what to make of this. Snyder comes back down from his outburst and lets out a breath.

Lyrics:  It plays me every time

Snyder:  Hey, did you see Ms. Barton? I think she's wasted.

Lyrics:  We're not that green

Snyder:  I'm gonna have to put that in her next performance review 'cause... (smiles) 'cause I'm the principal! (laughs)

Lyrics:  We're overdone

Snyder turns around and heads back into the crowd.

Lyrics:  You want to lay me out?

Willow:  (to Buffy) I don't like this. They could have heart attacks.

Lyrics:  Tie me down?

Buffy:  Uh, well... ma-maybe there's a doctor here.

An older, shirtless man jumps up onto the stage, pushes Devon away from the microphone stand and yells out into the crowd.

Man:  (yelling) Yeeeeaaaaaah!

Willow:  I think that *is* my doctor.

The man jumps from the stage expecting to be caught by the crowd, but they don't react fast enough, and he slams into the floor. Willow and Buffy both cringe at the sight.

Willow:  He-he's usually less... topless.

Snyder sticks his head between the girls.

Snyder:  I got a commendation for being principal. (impressed with himself) From the Mayor! (gestures) Shook my hand twice.

Buffy:  That's nice.

Snyder nods and inhales deeply. Two attractive women walk past them with drinks. Snyder makes eyes at them.

Snyder:  Whoa! There are some foxy ladies here tonight!

He heads off after them. Buffy and Willow walk in the other direction.

Willow:  What's happening?

Buffy:  I don't know, but it's happening to a whole lot of grownups.

They stop by the stairs. Willow looks around at the crowd.

Willow:  They're acting like a bunch...

Buffy:  They're acting like a bunch of us.

Lyrics:  Our love

Willow:  (confused) I don't act like this.

Lyrics:  Covered in my blood

Cut to the Milkbar factory. Boxes of chocolate bars keep rolling off of the line. Trick and Ethan walk through the shipping area.

Trick:  Demand's high.

Ethan:  I thought it might be.

Trick:  That's the reason I love this country. You make a good product, and the people will come to you. Of course, a lot of them are gonna die, but that's the other reason I love this country.

They stop walking, and Trick steps over to the man inspecting the boxes before they get sealed.

Trick:  Hey! Don't sample the product.

Man:  But I didn't.

Trick grabs him by the overalls, pulls him into a headlock and jerks his head around, breaking his neck and throwing him to the floor. Ethan looks away in distaste. Trick straightens his jacket and checks his pinky ring. They continue to walk.

Ethan:  Okay. Uh, how did you know he was...

Trick:  I don't. Now I know no one else will. (checks his watch) We're getting close. (to a line worker) Keep it flowing. (to Ethan) It's almost feeding time.

He walks off leaving Ethan standing there staring after him. After a moment Ethan heads back the way they came.

Cut to the Bronze. The Dingoes are between sets, and Oz has joined Willow and Buffy. They all observe the crowd. "Slip Jimmy", by Every Bit of Nothing, plays in the background.

Buffy:  Something's definitely changing them.

Willow:  A spell?

Oz:  They're teenagers. It's a sobering mirror to look into, huh?

Snyder walks by, sees Oz and stops.

Snyder:  You've got great hair.

He walks around Oz, smiling and staring at his hair. Suddenly the music stops and a group of older men start singing "Louie Louie" up on the stage. They are off key, out of sync and basically just plain terrible, but the crowd dances to them anyway.

Old men:  Louie Louie / Oh, baby / We gotta go / Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah / Louie Louie / Oh, baby / We gotta go / Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

An old nerd walks by as Buffy and Oz stare.

Willow:  It just gets more upsetting.

Several older couples on the dance floor kiss passionately.

Old men:  Louie Louie / Oh, baby / We gotta go / Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

Buffy:  No vampire has ever been (points at the stage) *that* scary.

Old men:  Louie Louie / Oh baby / We gotta go

Behind them a man staggers through the crowd, drunk and munching on a chocolate bar. He bumps into another man. They face each other and begin to pick a fight.

Patron:  Fight!

Snyder turns to face the group, smiling and nodding his head vigorously.

Snyder:  Fight!

Willow lets out a helpless sigh. Buffy starts to head out.

Buffy:  We've gotta figure out what's going on. This has Hellmouth fingerprints all over it.

Willow and Oz follow her. She stops by a pinball machine where she sees a woman hold out a candy bar to her boyfriend. He takes a huge bite while he keeps playing the game. Their pause gives Snyder a chance to catch up after noticing they are leaving.

Snyder:  Hey, where are we going?

The four of them leave the club. Cut outside. The three teenagers rush out and head for Joyce's car. Snyder is still inside.

Snyder:  Wait up, you guys!

He comes out the door.

Snyder:  Hey! You guys aren't trying to ditch me, are ya?

Buffy, Willow and Oz get into the Jeep. Snyder follows them.

Oz:  We should find Giles. He'll know what's going on, right?

Snyder runs up to the passenger side of the car, and seeing the places are taken, he goes around to the driver's side.

Buffy:  Sure. Except for all we know, he's sweet sixteen again. (pulls on her seat belt)

Willow:  He's with your mom at his place.

Buffy starts the car. Snyder opens the door behind her and gets in.

Snyder:  I said, wait up! (slams the door)

Oz:  Uh, Snyder...

Buffy:  No time. He's coming with us.

She puts the car in gear and slams on the gas, burning some rubber in her hurry to get going.

Snyder:  Whoa, Summers! You drive like a spaz!

Cut to a residential street. Two father types, one in his Volvo, the other in his Hyundai, are gunning their engines and munching on chocolate while waiting for the light to turn green. They look over at each other and nod and smile in anticipation of their race. They both take big bites out of their bars. A moment later the light turns, and they're off, tires screeching loudly as they race across the intersection and down the street.